A quick guide to easily move

Applicable for houses or apartments

I’ve moved once again. This time to Astoria, Queens, so named because at one point all there was in the area was a store. A-store-area. Simple. I’m excited about the change, not so much the circumstances under which I am moving. If you want to hear about that, my DMs are always open. 

Astoria is a safe, smallish neighborhood in Queens, NY. It reminds me just enough of biggish neighborhoods in my hometown and smallish neighborhoods in Queens, NY. 

I’ve had to move a lot in my life. At one point on average, I moved once every two years, that point is right now. However, I have compiled a list of helpful tips to help you with your next move. 

  1. Have friends that you don’t like to help you move! 

There’s nothing to make a move go smoother than hitting up some loser who you know doesn’t have anything better to do with their life except help you move. Bribe them with free pizza, beer, or some Tic Tacs you found while packing. They will love this. They’ll remember how nice and funny you are and come running. 

NOTE: DURING THE CURRENT HEALTH CRISIS THE CDC DOES NOT RECOMMEND YOU HAND OUT TIC TACS. 

Once bribed, convince them to also rent the truck or ask if you can use their car. After all, you’re already so much of your stuff, so it’s only fair that you move some of theirs. Once you’ve arrived at your new home, act like you’ve forgotten where you packed your wallet. “Well, gosh, it must be in one of these boxes. I mean all of my worldly possessions are in here. It just might take a moment. That’s okay right?” It is at this point that your friend will volunteer to buy the food so it’ll arrive before you have to move again. 

  1. Packing your boxes!

Packing is often arduous, tedious, and often pick-your-nose boring. Here are some fun ways to pass the time while you pack up your boxes. 

  1. Regret everything you’ve ever gotten.

So often I’ve thought while packing: “I have too many things. I should have given them all to charity. I don’t even know when I got this sock. Is there another sock to go with it? Ah, there it is-no, no, that’s my black n decker power drill.”

  1. Blame Marie Kondo for everything. 

Even though you watch her program you still didn’t get rid of anything. This is clearly her fault as a teacher. Your mind was like a sponge and her advice like sandpaper. 

  1. Cry because you found a keepsake. 

We’ve all been there. It’s okay, bud. 

      3) Scream into every pillow you own! 

Moving is stressful. I find it helps if you scream into every pillow you own. Hell, you probably just found three more as you were packing. Test those bad boys out! NOTE: THE CDC DOES NOT RECCOMEMNEND SCREAMING INTO YOUR PILLOW AS THE PARTICLES WILL GET ALL OVER THAT THING AND THEN YOU’VE GOT ONE NASTY PILLOW. 

      4) Play something to relax you!

I try to play something that is more relaxing than the idea of moving on my computer while packing, for example, the sound of someone chewing ice, or perhaps someone slowly bending a board to snap it in half, or maybe even a recording of someone screaming into a pillow. 

5) Prepare yourself emotionally for moving out. 

Moving is a difficult, stressful, and smelly endeavor. You have to make sure you’re in a healthy phycological place in order to move in a way that ensures that you don’t commit arson immediately after packing up. I recommend closing your eyes, taking a deep breath, and - NOTE: THE CDC DOES NOT RECOMMEND BREATHING DEEPLY UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. YOU SHOULD TAKE SHORT SHALLOW BREATHS IN ORDERED TO ENSURE THAT YOU REMAIN IN A MILD STATE OF ANXIETY ABOUT THE CURRENT CRISIS. -imaging that you’re already moved in. Hopefully, by the time you’ve finished this, your friend will have already done all of the work. 

Stay safe and have fun! 

Tristan