You feel numb, you can’t think well, you have what is known as “Chronic Bummer At A Party Syndrome” also known as Depression. Here’s a quick survey to see if you have depression:
You experience a sense of hopelessness for no particular reason other than the fact that you are still living.
You have a hard time getting out of bed despite the coffee maker not being in the bed with you.
You have what is politely referred to as “Brain Fog” meaning you look stupid in front of your coworkers as you can’t remember the thing you were saying.
You have thoughts of ending your own life by watching reruns of The View.
You have difficulty remembering the good things in your life. Such as, uh...uh...uh…
Your sense of humor has become dormant. To check this symptom, merely ask “Am I writing a bad review of this book online right now?”
You feel like you are unlucky or that nothing works out for you. Don’t worry, this most likely due to your class and income level and if it’s not I don’t care if you’re depressed.
You self isolate to the point of not seeing people for days on end. Even the CIA is thinking “Get a life!”
You can get enough or are getting too much sleep. All sleep and/or no sleep makes Jack chronically depressed.
Your family constantly is concerned about you for what feels like no particular reason other than your personality.
Depression can be a tricky thing to navigate even in the best of times because of course depression makes you feel as though it’s the worst of times. I believe the best way to navigate depression is to forget you have it and then when it comes on you suddenly in the night like a mongoose on a cobra, panic. This was my system for over a decade and boy did I hate it! It works for about two years and then all of a sudden your friends ask you questions like “Why won’t you talk to me?” and “Why won’t you shut up about how sad you are?” Truly trying times.
A lot of people (therapists, doctors, people excusing poor past behavior,) will say Depression isn’t your personality despite what the previous 6,000 generations have said. The current thinking is that Depression is an illness, such as Polio or Dysentery. I think this is an excellent way of looking at it. You aren’t your illness, you have an illness but most people think you’re just a mopey little person who needs to sort out their life.
Those people aren’t necessarily wrong. I assume the reason you picked up this book is that you thought it was a genuine self-help book and need to sort out your life. Sorting out your life isn’t the indictment of character it once was! Now sorting out your life is a great place to come up with new content! E.G. This book.
A great way to treat Depression is to take medication! Taking medication to treat your Depression will make you feel not only less depressed but like a cool celebrity that talks over people on a podcast about how many Antidepressants they’re taking. A lot of people get worried that taking medication will alter their personality and I have great news for you, it will. WHICH IS THE POINT! I am kidding of course, but not really.
There are several other great side effects to your newly found prescription medications, besides making your mood feel better.
It takes longer to achieve an orgasm.
You can’t think about the BBC claymation series Shaun The Sheep without bursting into long, snotty tears.
You can’t drink alcohol without regretting it for at least a fortnight.
You feel like you’re on drugs, because you are.
You may never achieve orgasm again.
Medications often take a very long time to find the right one. This is mostly due to the fact that it takes so long to read the names all of which sound like planets from Star Trek. It’s difficult to find the “eron,” “ansapam,” or “Slap in the face taken twice daily,” that’s right for you. That’s okay! Some people never find the right medication. That was meant to sound more hopeful than it did. However, it does take a long time for many people to find the right medication or medications to take for their condition, this is true of all mental health conditions. Don’t lose hope that you’ll find the right one. It’s a lot of trial and error and some isle of terror depending on your doctor.
You will be dealing with a lot of doctors in your life moving forward. Do not, I repeat, do not tell them that you think you know what’s wrong with you or what medication you think might work. If you do this, they will follow you home and fling dog feces onto your porch if you have one and if you don’t, they’ll think about it really hard and you’ll pick up that vibe next time you see them.
Therapy is also an excellent tool in the belt of a depressed person. Mostly it’s a great way to cancel plans every week. Therapy is a great way to express yourself, so you don’t bring that negativity, stress, or anxiety to next week’s session because your therapist is sick of your attitude. Therapy can alleviate some of the feelings of loneliness that you might experience from depression. This is done through careful planning and execution of your parents whose fault all of this is. Either nature or nurture those folks gotta pay. For the therapy. I assume you’re still on your parents’ insurance. Oh, you’re not? Then you can forget most of this chapter. Oh, you have insurance? Then what are you doing asking me for advice?
Depression isn’t all bad. Here are some reasons that it actually slaps.
You get to complain all the time.
You’re generally right about things, as you’re more cynical than your peers.
You’re “Interesting” and probably “Artistic.”
You can call out sick to work for being bummed out.
Maybe, if you’re lucky, you can get a disabled parking spot at work.