When I was working at the 34th st AMC cineplex (RIP) back in 2013 I got into a discussion about the horror film The Purge. For those of you unfamiliar with the premise of The Purge and its subsequent sequels, of course, sequels are subsequent otherwise they’d be prequels and we all know how those go, here is the basic premise. Every year there is a night, the titular The Purge where essentially all laws are ignored, one might commit any crime during a 24 hour period.
It was a crisp autumn day, 85 degrees in New York when I was discussing this piece of cinema with my fellow workers at The 34th st AMC cineplex. The popcorn was burning, the employees were stoned, and we were, of course, all bored out of our minds.
We were going around the circle of gathered employees saying what we’d want to get away with. The answers ranged from murder to arson, to grand theft auto. Then came my turn. I said embezzlement, which is easier said than written, to which someone replied, “what’s that?” We have to remember that most cineplex workers are either a) Teenagers b) People who don’t have a grip on their mental illness yet, or c) all of the above. I then explained what embezzlement, I swear I don’t think any words actually have “zs” in them, but there you are, was. Simply put it is the act of stealing from your company, an act that no matter how much we hate capitalism, is still illegal.
Here are some examples of people who have committed this heinous crime: Dane Cook, Bernie Madoff, and Day-Lee Farm. (Source)
DANE COOK???
Anyhow, during this discussion, someone pointed out that the crime committed during The Purge couldn’t be in effect after The Purge. At the time I accepted this reasoning and picked something else like manslaughter or public urination.
My mind dwelt on this conversation for years, for some reason it bothered me. I couldn’t shake this feeling, deep inside of me, that I had been duped. That I had been scammed. That I had made a social and emotional investment only to be conned out of it. Do you see what I’m doing here?
Then years later I realized the logical fallacy that had been used. Most crimes have an effect, although passive all year round. The best example is that of murder, this has in many estimations an effect long past a year if you do it right. Arson similarly has an effect that is permanent, that building ain’t the same no matter how many times you rebuild it.
Thus, I believe that I am justified in making a financially literate and logical choice of a felony, the logistics of which I know nothing about and will consult a lawyer before continuing this article.
My attorney has advised me that The Purge is a movie and not to bother him on his day off.
However, I believe that is my God-given right as an American to make a big stink about something that has not and will not ever happen.
Thus I say to the employee from the 34th st AMC cineplex: Do you see?!! Do you see what you have made me?! I have sat with this conversation for years and only now have been able to express myself. You have cursed me like Cain to wander this earth for years with this mark upon my psyche. A wound will never be fully satisfied until I can tell you the person who has wronged me how massively incorrect you are. This slight will never be voided from the bowels of my mind. I am haunted forever by the knowledge that you will never know. I set upon you a similar curse, I hope that you wake up in a cold sweat and realize your error and wish to tell me and never be able to. We are intermingled you and I, forever bound by a stupid conversation we once had about a movie that I have still never seen.
Thank you for reading!
Stay safe and have fun!
Tristan