What to do now that you’re unemployed again
Let us also be honest with ourselves regarding our employment status. By we I mean me and by employment I mean unemployment.
Let’s all be honest with ourselves, those jeans make your butt look fat and it’s amazing. But, let us also be honest with ourselves regarding our employment status. By we I mean me and by employment I mean unemployment.
That’s right folks! Do you like sitting alone late at night eating cheese? Great news! Now with unemployment, you can realize your dreams of doing just that.
I’ve compiled a list of things I’ve started to do now that I am once again in the unemployment zone physically, mentally, emotionally, and psychologically. There’s a video version of this article here!
Stay up late and eat cheese!
Cheese is the best thing you can eat, specifically right before bed. It doesn’t upset your digestive system whatsoever and doesn’t mess up your sleep cycle at all and is, in fact, better to eat than shall we say rocks. Which we also do. We call it table salt and we think that’s fine, but when I lick the concrete outside my apartment, people say “No! Bad!” or “That’s him, officer, that’s the man!” Cheese is also a natural antidepressant. You’ll be too busy thinking about how you’ve irrevocably damaged your guts to think about how lonely you are now that you’re stuck inside with no job. If you’re someone who doesn’t eat cheese, I feel sorry for you, but I understand. You can replace your nightly cheese and crackers with the smug feeling you get because you know that you’ve not participated in the food industrial complex.Sit around and think!
I love to sit and think. I do all the time. I’m doing it right now. What am I thinking about? I’m trying to remember if I spelt a word correctly. Now I’m wondering if it’s spelled or spelt. Either way, thinking is a good thing to do if you’re alone. But, sometimes you can think too hard about the way the world is or how sometimes you’re gonna die and we’re all trapped by that and how come we can unify around that? But, thinking is generally a good thing to do. Do you ever think about a bug? How they look, what they do, and how they do it? I like the cute pill bugs, rolly guys. Also, the ones that hop in the grass. Can you imagine that? Hopping like that all ding-dang day? Some bugs have wings. Imagine if some people had wings, then I’d be one of those people and I could fly to a place where I could think about getting a puppy dog. Puppy dogs are man’s best friend. Bugs are nature’s best friends. Bugs are to nature what puppy dogs are to people. These are some of the things I think about when I’m unemployed.
Sleep!
Sleeping is a great thing to do when you’re unemployed because sleeping is when your bones grow! By the time I go on an interview again, I’m going to be six feet tall. They’ll look at me and say, “That’s a tall boy. That boy is so tall and so boy. He’s the boyest boy to ever boy and oh boy if he ain’t just the tallest boy to ever boy.” And then I’ll get the job.Drink too much coffee!
Coffee is great. Coffee’s better for you than water! Water doesn’t taste like anything except those minerals. What am I deer trying to lick the salt cube? No, I’m people, and people like coffee better than water. Water’s in coffee so don't worry about it. It’s bean water! Nothing better than a good ole bean! Nothing better than water that tastes good! Coffee is therefore the best. You take two “nothing better thans” and add them together and it’s unstoppable. Coffee will help with the cheese indigestion. Coffee’s great! Makes you clean the house two times like you’ve been meaning to do, but it’s never clean enough! It never stops! It never stops! It never stops! It never stops! It never stops! It never stops! It never stops! Coffee also helps you sit and think, but not sleep so be careful!
Look for a new job! I am of course kidding here.
I hope you enjoyed this look into my current situation vis a vis unemployment. Remember if you can’t be unemployed you can always be grateful that we live under capitalism.