A new year is upon us once again. It’s like they just can’t stop! Or won’t stop. I do believe that time is a conspiracy run by big pharma to tell more anti-depressants, regardless a new year is here once again. To which I say “oh boy!” If we’re looking at the statics is it the best possible market to be a new year right now. I say invest! This last one absolutely wiffed, it wiffed so hard that it waffed, it wuffed, now it’s just getting silly. Point is, and I’m not trying to hurt anyone’s feelings here, but most of us, did not enjoy this last year. There I said it.
This past year was filled with more tragedy than any other year if you were white and especially if you weren’t. Let’s look at some nice things that happen this year instead of all the nasty, stinky, and absolutely emotionally devastating things that occurred.
January!
This was a great month for many people who weren’t listening to NPR and didn’t realize what was coming. Young people were making love in public still, and old people were watching them while they did it. We were carefree, full of joy, and we will get back to a time where the perverts of the world can thrive once again.
February!
Apple is fined for perpetuating planned obsolescence in their products. The company is fined, let me see here, carry the two… twenty-seven million dollars, which of course if you run the percentages is… let’s see, apple is worth two trillion...so that’s a whopping .0013499999999999999% TAKE THAT!
March!
I think it’s all very cool that we realized we could bake things. Also, Animal Crossing is a fun game. That’s all I’ll say about this month.
April!
We all thought that Kim Jon Un was dead for a day, even Kim wasn’t sure.
May!
Scientists report that a new black hole was discovered to cries of “Who cares?! You’re a scientist help wit the vaccine already!” To which scientists responded, “Oh yeah? Well, my mom thinks it’s cool!”
June!
The Hainan Gibbon was rescued from the brink of extinction. This gave hope to the human race, that once the gibbons inherited the world post-Corona, they might remember us fondly.
July!
Ghislaine Maxwell is arrested making people around the world sigh in relief that they don’t have to spell her name like those journalists do.
August!
Elon Musk purposed a computer chip to be put in a person’s brain. Leading us to ask, has he ever had an experience with having a brain before? GOT EM!
September!
The film stars Joaquin Pheonix and Rooney Mara welcome their child into the world, they name him River after Jaoquin’s late brother. Pretentious cinephiles weep in the streets.
October!
President Trump tests positive for COVID-19. This will be a short-lived bit of good news.
November!
Tik Tok doesn’t get banned. Let those kids have their fun!
December!
It’s the last month of this year.
I hope that helped put into perspective how this year has gone. It sure did for me, due to the fact that I really had to research to find anything remotely good to put in this article.
I hope you have a great beginning to this new year! Let me know what your resolutions are and I’ll help you feel guilty about them later!
Stay safe and have fun!
Love,
Tristan